.:learning to live:.

im feeling so empty right now.....i just dont know where to start....i hella depressed.....

still having issues with my mama....and im thinking about moving in with my dad......i realli am....my mama never admits when she's wrong and she never gives me my dues.....i mean dam....why does she always think she's right???........she'll take her anger out on me form somthing my siblings did.....its not my fault....and it will be some little comments that are like so inconsiderate........

sometimes i feel like just running away....but where would i go???? how would i go to school?????

ugh and i feel so empty bcause u dont have anyone to talk to serious.....im learning to be alone and depend on me n God for emotional support.....I have to learn to stay on my own too feeet especially to get where im going......i kno these issues will nly bring me blessings and stregnth n the long run............

.:ramblings of a lunatic:.

im so bored ive been on the computer all day....with nothing to say or do.....no one to talk to....(especialy because dalvin and i decided to be friends....be cause we didnt talk as much as w did when we first stared out....) I HATE WHEN YOU GET WITH A NIGGA AND HE GETS COMFORTABLE......IT PISSES ME OFF...IT YOU AINT STILL NBREAKING YO NECK TO KEEP ME DEN Y AM I STILL WIT U???? NIGGA PLEASE......

i met one of my first loves today....his name is BENJAMIN.....i never knew his last name.....blame my bad memory.....but he was cute....he had braids back then......i remember a few of our past times....BUT HE DOESNT....see i moved alot when i was little and i never really got get and keep relationships......or friends.....simply because of my stepdad...and the strange mind control he had over my moms......(DATS A NOTHER STORY).... and know im in the present....not being able to find the mr right....or the best childhood friend....when i think about it....im so different.....SO AHEAD OF MY TIME.......

see i dont have realli anyone i feel like pouring my whole life out to...but people i dont know.....LOL.....how strange....i guess its because the reader of a blog wont judge.....or will they....idc....it wouldnt matter because i dont know them.....ive never ever been able to cope with the single life.....i love the idea of being with some one who understands me and love me for who i am exactly and not who i will never be.......MAYBE THATS MY PROBLEM.......

I WANA BE FAMOUS.....but idnt really care for acting and i dont like singing in public....ugh.....why cant i be famous for being famou like paris hilton.....i dont wana sex tape....because im an angel...LOL.....i just want to be the talk of the town......BUT HOW WOULD I DO THAT????? well i started a blog in the hopes that i would become famous.....but its taking too long....and i can be impatient......but i always try to do better.....im not an expert in any field...other than my life.....and all kids my age want to hear about is drama....and stuff.....also im not the best writer....but i speak my mind.....m not rich...but im dayum sho not po!!!!

HELP.....ive decided to go natural......and people at skool are hatin on me.....o what should i do????UGH......im still coping with that.......

.:twitter:.

twitter is like the new craze!!! follow me at http://www.twitter.com/iLilian i have like 44 folowers and their white....not to be racist but on earth am i going to say to them when all they do is talk about boring ish????? someon help me

.:Updates&Self Growth:.

hey im so happi that i have lik 77 page views and 11 followers.....i value you guys alot even though i dont blog all the time or everyday....its just that i dont always have thngs to say.....:)

and if you have anything to say about my project im doing for IBMYP thats called hbcus vs pwi you can comment...i think i have that feature activated but ill check and see.....because i love feedback and comments.....and i dont realli check my emaials like i should so forgive me....i know i dont always spell things correctly are talk like i have sense but when i type i type what is exactly on my mind for bear with me......

tomorow i plan on going to geyserfalls with my family and hopefulli i might take pictures so you can see......im going to try to jump on the picture bandwagon.....lolz....i like pictures but i dont think its absolutely important....however it is appealing to the eye for followers.....

also i have went back to my curly phase....i have learned how to style and cope with my naturally curly hair....and i love it so yu can see the pictures above and just kno that i look HAWT!!!! yep yep HAWT!!!! so i will be staying curly and fyi my hair is natural and has been since i was like 10 or so.........GET AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

.: mama drama:.

im not white but...ugh!!!!!!!! my mama gon make me go off the deep end.....i swear...see i had 3 dollas and i wanted to go to the hair store and get me some gel for my natural curls cuz the gel at the house is flaky and it have alcohol in it....it also leaves little whit balls in my hair and makes my curls look like garbage.....so i wanted to go try some otha stuff and i kno i cant buy alot with three dollas

BUT

when we got there i saw some gel that i wanted to used and it was 1.98 and i was like im ready....my mama gone pick up somthing that looked like a 2 oz tub talking about this dont have alcohol and im like o ok dats cool.....and she got upset talking about that this just like the stuff at the house and i told her why i cant used that stuff in my hair........

THEN

she picked up something else saying that it dont have alcohol.....but i read it and it said for the RELAXED LOOK....and im thinkin well first of all i dont have a dam relaxer so why would you even pick that small bottle up???? i know why.....cuz u think you know everything and you always tryning to controll me.....first of all thats my 3 dollars and i dont care if it is just 3 dollars its my 3 dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!.......and so i handed it back to her and pointed out that it was for the RELAXED LOOK.....and she just snapped talking about I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS I CAN READ!!!! GONE GET WHAT YOU WANT BUT U DIDNT HAVE BUT 3 DOLLARS SO I KNOW YOU CANT AFFORD IT.......see thats how i kno she tink she know everything cuz the 32 oz i was holdn was 1.98+plus tax which turned out to be 2.12.....man she better stop bullishin!!!!!!!!!!

.:checking back in:.

my apologies!! my brother hogs the computer....but i got my laptop back from the shop so im good!!!!!!! man i broke my nail yesterday.....flushing the toilet after i was cleaning the bathroom!! now i have to fix it......acrylics.........UGH!!!

.:HBCU vs PWI:.

i hope everyone knows what a HBCU(Historically Black Colleges and Universities) and a PWI(Predominantly White Instsitutions) is......ok which one is better??? if you surf the net and search top 100 colleges...you will see that harvard and all the ivies rank top on the charts but HBCUs ont rank on that list...so to me what that is saying is that HBCU arent doing anything and do not measure up to a PWI...that maybe the case....if you take a harvard grad vs a howard grad...who gets the job?.....alle you really hear from kids my age many of the seniors that just graduated...is that they want to go to HBCU for the social events......but what about and education????......i know if your black and you go to a PWI you might be bored if you're not interested in what white people do for fun.....but that will help you in the long run to stay focused on your school work.........SO WHAT DO YOU THINK????????????????

I am doing my ib personal project on this and my research isnt going so good...no one has really anything to say n this suject..ii i have roughliy 4 sources with people's experiences ect....i asked my family members about this nd i only got 2 responces.....ugh!!!! and thats when i got the notion that this would be a great discussion for my blog...lolz and i also get work done........

.:what ive up to:.

hey im back!!!! i had fun in hattiesburgh lolz....i saw my family.....and yesterday my mama ordered my zune!!!! lolz.....i cant wait to get it!! and i am very happi to have 10 followers!!!!....remember to tell a friend!!!!

i have been ging through a lot of mood swings....mainly because my boyfriend doesnt call me like he did when we first started out....i mean i barely get one call a day.... and im not used to being neglected.....like he say he busy...but he cant tex to say good mornin or good night or hey baby im just checking to see if you are alive!!!!......ion get it man.....i broke up wit him and it was nt 24hr s before i called him back tryna get back wit him.....another first!!!.....ugh and that didnt even change anything........o and wen we do talk on the phone it dont be about nothing.....what am i gone do?????...nigga dont respond to tex messages......i swear im about to drop him off!!!!

besides boyfriend trouble....and waiting on my early bday present.....im good!!! i plan on going to he blue bayou soon...........i dont really kno the date so.........yea